For many couples engaged for many years or decades, learning how to talk to a partner without fighting seems like an impossible goal.
Most of us do not have the ability to handle conflict very well instinctively and do not often have role models showing us how to address a conversation with a spouse.
The good news is even if you are not having those role models in your family, it is absolutely possible to learn how to develop your communication skills in your relationship.
Learning how to communicate can be difficult. Entering a realm with another person where you both work on communicating well can make the process for learning even harder.
So in the interest of continuing to move forward on this journey towards healthy communication in your relationship here are strategies on how to communicate better with partner to help you improve your communication skills together.
12 Effective Communication Techniques for Couples
1. Establish a successful dialogue
Allocate Time for Each Other. Utilize the screen time function on your phone to analyze how much time you are spending on social media and your phone, and before stating “I don’t have time” in your relationship.
Choose to allocate time on your calendar. If you are spontaneous, this may feel foreign and staged initially.
However, the more you build time now for practice, the more comfortable and better you will be when spontaneous situations start happening.
Neuroscience recently supports the statement that eye contact leads to greater feelings of emotional safety.
This sensitivity to emotion is one of the most important elements to keeping an enduring, emotionally satisfying relationship.
Try to not talk while driving. Rather, stay at home, grab two chairs and place them in front of each other, or pull the couch cushions to either end of the sofa.
2. Recognize, and express, your emotions
Self-awareness is the fundamental ingredient to improve communication in a relationship.
Our emotions and feelings are the compasses of our inner world. Share them with your partner. They can’t read your mind.
When you are in tune with your feelings, you can participate in deeper and more honest conversations.
Read also: Self-Love in Relationships: How to Love Yourself Without Losing Your Partner
Nonetheless, paying attention to your feelings allows for greater self-awareness of the processes that restrict your pre-receptiveness.
For example, when you are angry or perhaps bored, you may want to shut down and dismiss the conversation.
Alternatively, positive feelings like a sense of appreciation or excitement motivate you to keep hearing more.
You can pay attention to your breathing if you want to shut down. This simple mindfulness practice will help you feel grounded and refocused.
In this vein, you become an expert at responding, but also developing a self-soothing rim allows you to intervene in your partner’s internal world. This is what keeps the conversation civil.
3. Share your personal needs
Speaking directly about your needs, wishes, and concerns creates a platform for better communication between you and your partner.
Do this without taking the liberty of thinking how your partner will respond.
When you initiate a conversation predicated upon assumptions, you are basically conversing with yourself.
Therefore, share your internal world and express your thoughts in a positive and considerate manner.
4. Avoid personal attacks
When your partner shares, they are giving you a window into their internal world – their thoughts, feeling, and vulnerabilities.
Let’s be clear, this is a privilege. This is not an invitation to battle.
Instead of, without thinking, rushing to defend yourself or figure out how to prove you are right, you need to stop and listen.
Name-calling, referring to this mistake from last year, or saying unkind things about your partner’s nature will not allow healthy conversations and shut down dialogue – while building walls not bridges.
Focus on the issue presented, not an attack on your partner’s nature. Instead of saying, “you are so irresponsible,” reframe it to “I feel stressed when tasks do not get finished.”
This will greatly curb your partner’s defensiveness, and keep your conversation civil and respectful.
When you can take the problem from the person, you create a safe space where you both feel valued and heard.
5. Ownership.
Use “I,” not “you.” When a spouse hears “you,” they will feel defensive and attacked. When I say “I,” then I am taking ownership of my language.
Also, using “we” too much or referring to other people in the conversation is not helpful because you are probably not being clear and direct enough about your experience in it.
One of the most tempting aspects of avoiding unpleasant conversations is having in the back of your mind the predetermined notion needed, to resolve things for the sake of peace, or the unpleasantness of feeling foolish for approaching it.
This makes it more challenging to have the conversation, since this tension has been building, and you are in danger of procrastinating until you start losing your marbles.
Drafting small conversations and knocking them out one at a time is better than having a few big fight rounds that jeopardizes your relationship.
If they seem to become an issue to you over and over again, even though you have neglected them (even if you have raised them earlier into the relationship) it is best to bring them to your partner’s attention rather than pretending they are bothering you.
This obviously does not mean dumping your garbage about minimal “issues” onto your partner, it is also appropriate sometimes to just let things ride down resolution from punted decision details.
6. Avoid making your spouse defensive
It is easy, in dealing with any back and forth, to offer top ammunition to what your partner does to respond negatively to you.
By focusing on yourself in this way, you are assuming responsibility for your emotions and are significantly less likely to provoke an assault from your partner.
Although it’s a little adjustment, it can significantly alter the tone of a dispute and reduce the likelihood that it will spiral out of hand.
Read also: 10 Romantic Date Night at Home Ideas to Spark Love and Connection
7. Select a location and time
Where and when matter just as much as what and how you say it. Sometimes, agreeing to pick a time and place is useful.
There are some benefits to this. When you commit to a time to have the discussion, you can more fully commit your attention to the conversation instead of squeezing it into activity before heading out or going to bed.
You wouldn’t typically try to squeeze in an important business meeting into your walk down the hall; instead, you would plan for a time when both parties can be at their fullest attention; Why do we do the same thing to our relationships?
Additionally, being in a different space can help you think about things differently. If you and your partner have been fighting a lot in your home, you may associate that area with the same patterns.
By having your conversation in a different space or by doing something else while having the conversation (like a walk or a drive), you can shift your perspective.
8. Identify your partner’s communication approach
Recognizing your partner’s style of speaking is just as important as listening and appearing as if you value the situation.
Does your partner pause to think about what they want to say before talking to you?
When your partner is upset do they go silent? Are you aware when your partner may need some time away to cool off before they continue talking?
If it is appropriate to wait to discuss, and your partner needs it, wait, It is important to understand how your partner communicates.
If there is something about your partner’s style that clashes with yours, then before talking about how to find a compromise, first take some time to establish healthy and productive communication with your partner.
9. Steer clear of criticism and blame
Two of the most damaging communication styles in a relationship are placing blame and offering criticism.
We make our partners feel guilty when we hold them accountable for anything.
Resentment and defensiveness may result from this. Likewise, our partner’s fears may be triggered by criticism.
Avoiding these tendencies is crucial if you wish to enhance communication in your partnership.
Instead, concentrate on politely and constructively communicating your demands.
10. Pay attention to your body language
Using body language is one nonverbal communication method that may give you greater insight into our feelings.
Almost every conscious or unconscious action we do sends a message. For example, crossed arms or a furrowed brow signal defensiveness.
Alternatively, open body language demonstrates interest and engagement.
The words we say may not matter as much as the ways in which they are represented. Our tone of voice conveys many things, including our feelings and perceptions of the situation.
Even when we don’t intend to sound unfriendly, we can come off as harsh or critical, depending on our tone.
On the other hand, using a calm and caring tone can help de-escalate tension.
Noticing our tone of voice while communicating can help relationship communication become more positive and polite.
Examples include a relaxed posture and direct eye contact. Your communication may improve by being attentive to your partner’s body language and your own.
11. Use “I” Statements
In a relationship, “I” statements are a good communication option. They allow us to express what we want and how we feel without sounding demanding or blaming.
For example, we could say, “I feel hurt and frustrated when I feel like you’re not listening to me,” instead of saying “you never listen to me.”
“I” statements can also enhance communication by clearly stating what we need from our partner.
“I” statements can provide clarity and increase the chance that your partner will listen and respond in a positive manner.
12. Expressing Empathy
Compassion fosters a richer relationship. Empathy is the ability to understand and resonate with someone else’s feelings.
Without a doubt, this is one of the most important aspects of effective communication with partners.
After your partner expresses a concern or feeling to you, try to understand where they are coming from and offer some understanding.
Take the time to acknowledge their experience, and empathize to validate their experience.
By saying “I can see why this made you upset” or “I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes,” your partner can feel heard and supported by you.
Empathy strengthens intimacy and facilitates the resolution of conflicts more quickly.
When a partner can understand and normalize another partner’s perspective, the relationship is stronger.
Final words
Engaging in healthy communication doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or never disagree, it means showing up with patience, empathy, and being willing to listen deeply.
Every couple will have conflict at some point, but how you approach that conflict depends on whether it drives you apart, or brings you closer together.